One of the early-warning hints that I was neurodivergent should probably have included the fact that I used to watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Lessons about female friendship targeted at toddlers and tweens made so much sense, and when I put those lessons into practice I was told that I was a great friend. Finally! I thought, I found the answer!! I only had trouble making friends because nobody explained The Rules!!
So, I dutifully followed The Rules for about 10 years. I showed up to friends’ birthday parties, I told them that I valued them, I listened to their interests and hobbies, I communicated my values and we learned things together. I celebrated their wins and commiserated their losses. I gave up free time to do things that were inconvenient but important. I invested a lot of time and effort into being a Good Friend, just like the show had taught me.
So, naturally, I was excited for my 30th birthday. It was a BIG milestone, the first since I had been following The Rules of Friendship. My 18th and 21st were a bit lonely, and I had attributed it to not having been a very good friend to others leading up to those events. I figured it was the consequences of my own actions so I took it on the chin, straightened myself out, and started doing better. So, it was finally my turn! I could plan a little party, celebrate my wins, and my friends would be there with me to make it a wonderful time!
Or…so I thought.
I planned out a little gathering, made invites, planned to get drinks and a small cake, and catch up with some close friends. These people were the ones I was most in-contact with. I had been following all the Rules of Friendship with them, so it seemed obvious to invite them to something I wanted to celebrate. That’s what friends are for!
Everything seemed fine until the week before when I was confirming RSVP’s and about to pay for all the things I needed.
I hadn’t invited many people. When you have a kid it’s hard to maintain decent friendships with a lot of people, so I had focused my time on a handful of people I thought were close friends. It seemed equitable to put time and energy into fewer people because then it would be more meaningful.
When my confirmation-message got a “oh, I had planned something else that day…” and “oh, yeah! I totally forgot about that party, sorry,” the small guest list dwindled from 4 people to zero.
At first I was unsurprised. This was precisely how every birthday since my 17th had gone. No enthusiasm, no interest, and nobody else prioritizing something that was important to me. Low-key didn’t mean low-value; I just cherished the small gatherings. The pizza-movie-night, or the bubble-tea get-togethers. Once I had some time to sit and process my feelings I began to feel upset. Really upset.
I had been a much better friend the past decade. I followed ALL of ‘the rules’. I didn’t even expect reciprocation for years; I just showed up to people’s houses with a bottle of wine and some support when they needed it. I attended their birthday parties while struggling with postpartum recovery. I drove for hours to visit people just because it was a good time to do so, despite the inconvenience. At no point did I expect praise or even an equivalent show of friendship (though, it would have been nice). I just did it, because that’s what good friends do. This was the one thing I was requesting from people; to show up to a small party I was throwing. They had expressed interest a month ago, but now couldn’t be bothered to even remember it was happening.
That really, really hurt. It made me re-evaluate my priorities. How could I be friends with people who were so careless? I had two friends who had very good reasons for not being able to attend (one is the mother of a small baby on the other side of the country, the other is moving to a new rental in another state, so the long and expensive flight wasn’t going to be possible either way). Their apologies were accompanied with a birthday gift. I hadn’t asked for a gift, they just sent one. Those two friends followed all the Rules of Friendship, precisely as I had expected from my research and practice. So, clearly, I hadn’t misunderstood anything – because at least two people were capable of demonstrating it back to me.
Since my diagnosis I have reflected on life experiences with a new lens, and what I see when I look back with new-lenses just makes me sad. That perhaps, all this time, my ‘friends’ have seen how awkward I am and used it as a leverage point to take advantage of me. Because if I’m a bit socially unaware maybe I’ll not notice being deliberately excluded from things, and not treated as an equal.
I didn’t miss it. I was just so hurt I couldn’t bring it up without crying. So rather than make a scene in public I just drifted out of their lives completely.
They’re the bad friends this time, not me. I might not be a perfect person but when I was asked to, I showed up. When it was expected of me, I gave support. I even offered support and encouragement as a proactive measure, when I noticed someone was struggling.
Friendship might be magic but I’m currently struggling to see its value in a world that isn’t interested in participating.
So, I’ll spend my 30’s hustling. Work has been more rewarding lately, anyway. I have my husband, and my kid, and I’m used to being a bit lonely all the time. It’s nice when my partner is home but with them at work I need to fill my time with something.
Happy Birthday to me, I have so many things to celebrate but precious few to celebrate it with. I’ll raise a cup of bubble tea with my partner and do something quiet again this year. Friendship can be magic, but only if you foster it with the right people.
DrMrsDr 